First published 5 October 2023

This month on Therapists in Conversation our topic was ‘Grief by any other name’.  

As usual, where I thought the conversation would go, wasn’t where we went!  A bit like my client sessions (which is good – cos they are not about me!)

We almost managed to keep it to 45 mins again (please don’t judge us for the extra 42 seconds! 😉)

Meanwhile – now I get to talk about where I had expected it to go… hey – these are my ramblings so you wouldn’t expect anything less… right 😉

When we talk about grief, there are so many things that could come up.

Death and dying tends to be the most obvious and we touched on this in the conversation on YouTube.

But what is grief? and where else does it apply in life?

Word Hippo (my current favourite when it comes to looking up words!) tells me that Grief is

• suffering or hardship
• pain of mind arising from misfortune
• sorrow, sadness
• pain that afflicts distress

and, yes while these can be the result of the loss of a loved one, that loss doesn’t have to be death – and in some cases, the loss of a loved one from our lives can feel more painful if they are still alive and just not a part of our lives anymore. (here we go again – this wasn’t where I intended this to go either!!)

OK, getting back on track to where I wanted to go….

Grief can show up for a huge range of things, including (but not limited to):

• redundancy
• weight gain or loss
• a medical diagnosis
• an injury
• a food allergy/intolerance
• a favourite band splitting up
• a TV show not being renewed for another season
• losing a favourite teddy bear/toy/t-shirt etc
• a friend not turning up when they said they would
• not feeling heard by the people around you
• a break in
• breaking an object (perhaps one that holds sentimental value)
• loss of a relationship – in some cases the loss of the expectations of the relationship can be more impactful the the loss of the person from your life
• a child moving out of home for the first time
• a friend moving away
• a child no longer needing you for everything – “I’m a big boy/girl now, I don’t need you to…”

Some of these may seem really trivial.  Others may feel monumental.  But, they all have the ability to cause pain and sorrow and distress.

It’s ok to feel your feelings and emotions.  Please don’t bottle them up or pretend that you are not grieving.  Don’t allow other’s to belittle your pain or tell you to get over it!

We all need to process things in our own way.

My tips (was going to say advice but I am not a fan of ‘giving advice’) are to find someone you trust to talk it through with. (avoid people who have a tendency to judge or tell you what you ‘should’ do).  

Find a healthy way to express your grief.  Perhaps write about it in a journal, or a letter to someone (you don’t have to send it!), create/make something, exercise – if the grief is showing up alongside anger, a punching bag at a boxing gym could be a good option!  Maybe even screaming in to a pillow.  Find something that works for you in the moment and remember, what works today might not be what you need tomorrow.

Take care of yourself.  Don’t forget to eat.  If ice cream is involved, make sure other foods are still on the menu too!  Get enough sleep and, if you can, avoid alcohol and drugs (if you can’t then at the very least, don’t do these alone!).

And be kind to yourself, as well as patient.  Healing takes time and is different in every situation so don’t judge yourself based on a previous experience or worse, someone else’s experience.

It is always OK to feel your feelings, but if it all feels a bit too much then you can reach out for a chat or a session to help you find balance and a way forward.

OK – I think I got to where I was trying to get to.

If the thought of grief took you somewhere different to where it took me, or where we went in this month’s episode, hit reply and tell me where you went!