First published 25 July 2024

…is a very common cry of siblings the world over (or at least in my experience anyway!)

I was out with the family last night when J and R were ordered a bowl of edamame to share.  The bowl was put in front of R who proceeded to work their way through the bowl.  J then complained asking where theirs was!  A handful was handed over but they didn’t have enough salt on them… so another bowl was ordered for J.  You would think that would be the end of it – but nope! J then counted out how many were given over from R’s bowl to ensure R got back the right amount… (in case you were wondering – it was 8!)

How often in adulthood do we still have these thoughts running through our minds?

While I don’t talk about politics often, I was told that the republican party were looking to sue the Democrats as they had prepared their campaign to be all about Biden. Now that he has stepped down, they can’t use the content – if that’s not a great big toddler tantrum of ‘that’s not fair’ then I don’t know what is!

How about when Netflix stated you could share passwords with people in different postcodes?

What about the price and the size of a Freddo bar – there is inflation and then there is the price increase of those teeny chocolate bars…

I could go on….

But, where did we get this idea that life should be fair?  And what does that even mean….?

Fairness is a curious concept.  It implies a level playing field, a world devoid of challenges, inequalities, or randomness.

But life isn’t a game with predefined rules and equal opportunities for all.  We don’t all start with £1,500 and then follow a roll of a couple of 6-sided dice like in Monopoly, and we definitely don’t all collect £200 when we pass “Go”!

Life is a complex tapestry woven with threads of chance, circumstance, and personal choices.

Shifting Focus

Instead of dwelling on the perceived unfairness of life, how about we shift our focus to what we can control: our perspective, and our actions.  In the book “Never Split the Difference,” Chris Voss emphasises the power of tactical empathy in negotiation.  This principle is something we can apply to our internal dialogue.

By understanding what is going on for us emotionally when we face our “unfair” feelings, we can begin to shift our focus from this perceived injustice to potential solutions and opportunities.

The “That’s Not Fair” Trap

When we find ourselves caught in the “that’s not fair” loop, we are essentially giving away our power. 

We are allowing the situation to dictate our emotional state rather than taking control of how we respond.  It’s like being stuck in a traffic jam and letting the frustration consume us.  How much better would it feel to use that time constructively – I mean it’s not like you can go anywhere – so how about rather than stewing in negative chatter and angry thoughts, we shift the focus to a podcast, or a conversation?  Perhaps spend the time thinking through a plan or even just playing car karaoke and enjoying the endorphins of listening and singing along to your favourite music. 

Time to reframe

Instead of focusing on the perceived unfairness, let’s shift the focus to what we can control.
Here are a few steps to follow:

• Accept the situation: recognising that life isn’t always “fair” is the first step towards empowerment.
• Shift the focus: redirect your energy towards finding solutions or exploring new opportunities
• Build resilience: develop the mental strength to navigate challenges and setbacks without playing the blame game
• Practice gratitude: focus on what you have, rather than what you lack.  By doing this, you can shift your perspective and improve your overall well-being.

Remember – we can only control our perceptions and actions, we can’t control other people’s perceptions and actions so keep your energy on yourself for a massive reduction in frustration!

If you find yourself repeating the mantra “but it’s not fair” as an affirmation, it’s time to stop.  Let’s turn around this recurring theme and break free from the limiting belief that is holding you stuck, together we can shift your perspective and unlock your potential.

Book a discovery call to explore how we can work together to transform your mindset and embrace a more empowered approach to life.